A Virgo’s Maze

For the past 2 weeks, I have been feeling the same feeling. When I try to talk about it out loud to people, I want to cry because the very few people I’ve conversed with don’t get it. Partly I think it’s because they don’t know who I am, what I stand for, and why I care about small things. Why my opinions are more specific. Why I choose to stay away from the spotlight.

I feel like I will never be happy with the new friends I make. Growing up introverted as fuck, I always tried my best to help the new kids transition and adapt to the Palo Alto life. Teachers asked me, out of everyone, to show the new kids around, and I’d tell them everything they needed to know to survive middle school and high school. But after a few weeks of getting close, every new friend I made found a new social group and disappeared from wanting to hang out with me. I never understood why this always happened. I would try to retrace the past memories and try to understand this pattern but I never reached the answer. These past months, I’m still trying to figure it out, figure out if there’s something wrong with me and/or if there’s something wrong with them.

I tend to become very introverted when I realize the friendships I have made aren’t fun for me anymore. When I lose interest, all the similarities I once shared with someone will disappear. I lose attraction and see nothing valuable about the person to our existing friendship. I have completely stopped talking to some people, only to ignore them when they call or text, to avoid any confrontation and awkward umm’s and how are you’s. It sounds terrible and you can say I’m the bad friend but what do I owe them? I don’t want to be your friend anymore.

I seek for friendships with a certain type of person who can make me feel good about myself every day. I seek a deep passion and desire to surround myself with successful people who want to understand me beyond looks and personality combined because I want to have friends who want to help me grow than set me a hundred miles backwards. I seek people who care enough to know that when I’m feeling sad, they bring me flowers or make me laugh. All the things I seek (and there are plenty more) are not demanding things because I’m sure you seek similar and more things.

Luckily for some, people have great self-esteem. Maybe you have a great social group because you’re power-loving leader who will never collide with these feelings I’ve expressed. But I don’t know, I don’t know you, and I can’t speak for you.

The process of making a real friend is one of the most hardest complications. It’s so energy-consuming to me that right now I’m so frustrated with the current friends and the ex-friends I have made this past year. I can count the number of people who do not frustrate me at all and that’s only 5 individuals.

I found the root of it all. Almost every bad friendship I have experienced in life started off from someone’s shared vulnerable memory or event or thought. Too many people have shared way too personal traits about themselves that it’s a crazy, negative way to create a solid friendship. How many times are people going to indulge and over share their problems right off the bat? How many times are people going to use me as an ear for their latest dating problems (which I’m not qualified to give you any advice but I go with what I know)? How many times are people going to tell me they suffer from “seasonal depression” when they lost their fucking bus pass?

I have an AMAZING idea. If you want to start a new friendship with someone, don’t spill your fucking guts. Start with something positive about your beautiful soul then maybe you won’t question why I disappeared.

 

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