what it means to be in love

Something I wrote back in September 2016.

i know what its like to be love. in a love so real that you have to check if your heart is still beating. i know i fell in real love and i know he was someone i truly loved. my greatest lesson in love was when i was with you.

it means falling in love slowly and imperfectly and vulnerably.

listening to music on the bus and sharing headphones and saying sorry for bumping shoulders when the vehicle turned a corner. having to adjust to their needs and doing things out of the comfort zone because people bend for other people. getting shitfaced and dancing. watching the beautiful sunrise with hues of pastel purple and pink and orange and blue. arguing over miscommunicated texts or my overused sarcastic remarks in inappropriate times. getting upset and playing on the defensive sideline and bursting in tears when feelings were hurt.

it means staring into his eyes and feeling like one lucky girl to have found a partner in crime. someone to hold before saying goodnight. someone to go on adventures with and get into odd yet funny situations. someone to people watch and go with the flow. someone i could call mine. someone i waited what felt like months to show me the world in a different pair of eyes and allowing me to enter theirs. someone who was a person to appreciate my own existence. yet it means that some days we had our off days and it felt like the world was crumbling. when the anxiety crept by surprise and the depression sank from our toes to the core of the earth. but a bad day was fixed with a picker upper in a magical instant with just a smile and a hug or a call or a kiss.

a montage of 6 months of my life was not a burden, just all smiles and one of the happiest times i have felt in a long time. and days go by and the weeks move quick and slowly i pick myself up where we exited each others lives that day. to be very honestly, it fucking sucks. no amicable terms, awkward run ins. with just a snap of the finger, its done. not even a friendship to save. going from this to… that? it means pretending we dont know each other and moving on like nothing ever happened. almost like this was doomed to begin with.

it means i loved you so purely that i wanted to protect you and watch out for you because you did the same for me. it means whenever i said i love you, i had to fight back tears because being in love is really, really scary. a love being so real and nothing i have ever felt before. i think thats something you dont find too often. you made me happy and i made you happy. your silliness. spontaneity. the way we knew each others thoughts. that kind of connection.. to me, it was one of the greatest feelings ever.

even though it means i miss what we had and having the opportunity to fall in love with you, i know you will find someone who will make you happy all the time and i hope you can make her happy too.

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